(Thanks to Effy wild effywild.com for the prompt)
What DO I really want? I want to keep working part-time, not full time. I wish hat I did was more certain and dependable – I don’t like the stress of not knowing if I’ll have a contract next semester or next year, but I do like the flexibility, and I like teaching and interacting with the students.
I want to keep doing art. I want to practise and improve. I am a much happier person when I spend time each week being creative – my spouse can verify that. I don’t know if this will lead anywhere, and that’s not the point. I just know I need to express myself and it brings me joy.
I want to do more of all the things I love: music, art, yoga, writing, reading, and cooking delicious food. I want to make time for my relationships with my spouse and children. And I want to be around positive, supportive people more often, and interact with negative people less often.
What I most want is for my life to feel unified. In the past, I have mostly kept the two “halves” of me (science prof/artist) separate. This goes back to childhood experiences (“our family are not artistic”), and the attitude that scientists/academics should be all-consumed by their one field of study, and by my own self-doubts and feeling that “real” artists will dismiss if they find out I have a PhD in Biology. So I keep science me and artistic me separate. But they are both equal aspects of me and the way I see and interact with the world.